Friends Can Sock Pretty Bad (part 3)

I like to look nice every once in a while. When this happens, I’ll slip on some dress socks. As I’m putting these on, I think to myself, “Wow, these are soft and rather comfortable. I don’t know why I don’t wear these more often.” But after an hour or two of wear, I realize that these socks are no longer soft and comfortable, but they have become sweaty and are starting to pull my leg hair. This is not something I want to be involved with any longer. You have that friend you really enjoy hanging out with for a little bit because she is super happy and loud all the time and seems to get along with most everyone. But after some time, you realize this person is starting to get a little annoying (and sweaty) and you no longer want to be involved with her for a while. But the next day you’ll write on her Facebook wall saying how much fun you had with her last night. You’ll stick her back in the drawer and save her for another special occasion.

These are just a few comparisons on the long list of similarities between these two life necessities. I like having socks. I like having friends. I really like having socks that are friends. That’s right. Sock puppets will never let you down. Remember that, lonely-freshman-girl-from-out-of-state.

Friends Can Sock Pretty Bad (part 2)

The Last Resort: Then there is the time you look in your sock drawer only to fall victim to the fact that all of your clothes are dirty and you are forced to resort to that one pair of socks left. You never wear these socks because after you have taken your sixth step one of them has slid halfway down your foot, which makes you want to punch a small animal in the face. You know the feeling. All of your other socks are in the dirty clothes, so you are forced to wear this pair. You might not know it, but you have a friend like this. All of your other friends are out of town or at that sorority formal you weren’t invited to, and you are bored to death and need to be around another human. So, you are forced to resort to this friend. You know it is going to be a rather miserable experience, but you do it anyway. Hello, “friend-that-slides-halfway-down-my-foot”, this is a one time deal, so don’t go sending me messages on Facebook after tonight. Just stay in the back corner of that drawer. But I’ll still keep your number in my phone. Just in case.

The Utility: Everyone owns a pair of “utility socks.” This is the pair that you have only when you need to fulfill a specific purpose. This is your “hiking-only” pair, or the socks you bought for that one time you went skiing in North Carolina with your church youth group. I have several “utility” friends. This is the guy I see just twice a week in class and talk to only when I need a last minute study guide. Hey man, don’t get me wrong, you’re a cool dude, but you serve one purpose and that is to meet me in the library so I can get that old test your roommate kept from last semester.

Friends Can Sock Pretty Bad (part1)

You wouldn’t normally notice the similarity between socks and friends. These two necessities of life have more in common thank you would think. Friends do all the same things that socks do. They come is different shapes, sizes, colors, styles, etc. They provide warmth, comfort, protection, moisture wicking materials, etc. Follow along and giggle your socks off as you read this in the back of your lecture class next to your friend you only know because you asked her for a Scantron once.

The Trustworthy: Friendships are all about trust and loyalty. When you think of your best friend, you know you can count on him or her to offer comfort when life gets tough, warmth when others are cold, and protection from harsh outsiders. These things hold true when it comes to your favorite, most trustworthy pair of socks. As you open your drawer in the morning knowing you have a long day ahead of you on campus, all of that time spent folding laundry last night is well worth it to see that you are able to wear that pair of socks that never let you down. Simple as that, this great pair of socks is just like that great friend of yours. Trustworthy to the end, or at least until you step in that puddle.

Bad Timing, Movie-Star (part 3)

"Here's looking at you, kid." -Rick Blaine, Casablanca

You are enjoying a lovely outing with your young family at the local park. It is a beautiful, sunny November afternoon and you could not be happier. You’re joyful whistling the tune of your favorite movie, Casablanca, as you watch your four year old son climb around the hard plastic play-structure that resembles a pirate ship. Since it is late November, your beard is in full-effect thanks to “No Shave November.” Also, it is laundry day so you were forced to put on your old faded jeans, grungy t-shirt, and Member’s Only jacket. You pull out your camera phone to take a picture of your son hanging upside down on the monkey bars to send to your wife when you mutter the famous line from your favorite movie: “Here’s looking at you, kid.” You quickly notice there are several woman close by staring terrified at you. You also notice you look like a pedophile in this moment. You take your son and exit the park. Chaos ensues.

"Nobody calls me yellow!" -Marty McFly, Back to the Future 1,2, & 3
Let's say you are a banana. Then you are a liar.


The End.


(Credits begin to roll. You pick up your jacket and walk out of the theater and try to figure out which way you came in.)

Bad Timing, Movie-Star (part 2)

"The name's Bond. James Bond." -James Bond, Any Bond movie ever
You are the international spy who gets all the chicks and all the bad guys. You receive a letter in the mail saying you are being honored at the annual International Spy of the Decade awards ceremony. You show up at the ceremony only to find out that it is not, in fact, the International Spy of the Decade awards ceremony, but that you are at the Future Evil Villians of the World annual conference. This is when you take off your name tag and stop introducing yourself. Man, those evil villians really tricked you.


"Luke......I am your father." -Darth Vader, Star Wars: Return of the Jedi
So, you are at this really huge party. And by huge party I mean a party for body builders, extreme fighters, professional wrestlers, etc. You are just hanging out talking to Chyna arguing about how the original Star Wars trilogy is way better than the new one with Hayden Christensen (who is the worst actor of all time). You then quote Darth Vader's famous line: "Luke, I am your father." All of sudden, a monster in a unitard behind you picks you up and launches you against the neighbor's tetherball pole. You find out later that his name is Luke and that his father left him as an infant and never paid child support. Geeze, bad timing.

Bad Timing, Movie-Star (part 1)

Let's be honest with ourselves. If it weren't for movies, Planet Earth would be a dark and empty place (like Jessica Simpson's head or Amelia Earhart's casket). What would the sorority world be like without The Notebook? Martial arts without The 3 Ninjas? My life without You Got Served? They give us hope, happiness, hairstyles, and a whole heeping heck of a lot more. Alliteration aside, movies supply the world with an endless amount of quotes. A strategically-used movie quote can pick up an attractive lady, pump up your sports team, make you look smart, get a hilarious laugh at a party, etc. But a quote misused can do some extreme damage. So, lay your jacket on the seat next to you, get out the Starbursts you snuck in, and tap your feet on the sticky floor under you as I list some of the most famous movie lines of all time and situations in which they should not be said.

"I'll be back." -Arny, The Terminator
This is possibly the most famous movie quote of all time. The Governator used it as his campaign slogan and look at where he is now. But this line isn't perfect for every situation. Let's say you are a bank robber and you are robbing a bank yelling into the bulletproof glass at the terrified little teller girl who dropped out of community college and you demand for all of the money in the safe. She whimpers to you that she can't let you in because the only person with the code to the safe is the bank manager. This enrages you terribly because you are a bank robber and you have anger problems and childhood issues. So you yell at her for being difficult and you bang your gun against the glass like a madman. Then you ask her when the manager will be back and slip your phone number in the slot so she can call you when he gets there so you can come back and steal all of the money. This is when you look her dead in the eye from behind your ski mask and say: "I'll be back."

The First Annual Croakie Awards (part 3)

And the Croakie for “We like you as much as you like you” goes to:

First place: iPod Guy – Never have I seen you without your white earbuds in. Your ability to pay attention to your professor and watch Youtube videos on your iPod touch is inspiring. It’s only 50 feet to your next class, yet you still have to tune up for Soulja Boy Tell Em.

Second place: Intramural Player of the Year – You play every single intramural sport that the university has to offer. After a good play during flag football I heard you say, “Lets' go! We live for this!” and I became sad for you.

Honorable mention: Opinionated Writer at The Daily Beacon – You write for UT's newspaper, The Daily Beacon, because you can't seem to find total satisfaction from journaling your EVERY move on Twitter. Your latest article wasted my time in class and now I have less time to finish the Sudoku. But I'll still read your next article, because I would rather read that than listen to Mr. Borophyl any longer.

Tough Loss: Fake Athlete- Though you’re not a real athlete, you still look like you’ve had a tough practice today. Why don’t you take off your full Adidas wardrobe and hit the showers.

Ladies and gentlemen, this concludes our ceremonies. If you fit into one of these categories, please send an email to weirdguywhositsinbackofclass@utk.edu to claim your Croakie Award.

Honorary Life Member of Croakies Awards: Any Current Student or Alumni of Texas A&M University

"How many Aggies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?.....Two. One to screw it in, the other to make a tradition out of it."

The First Annual Croakie Awards (part 2)

The next Croakie for “Classmate of the Year” goes to:

First place: Speaks Up In Class Too Much Girl – You speak up in class too much. Everyone thinks so but at the same time we say,”Thank you” so that we don’t have to speak up. You are opinionated and independent and your grades are probably better than mine.

Second place: Four Name Fraternity Franklin – Your devotion to brotherhood and tradition are more inspiring than a Celine Dion song. You have a last name for a first name. You love eating at Moe’s and I enjoy talking to you about how bad the Titans are. This awards ceremony was named after your favorite article of clothing.

Honorable mention: Slacker Steve – I’m not sure why, but you’re name is usually Steve. You send out mass emails to the entire class for notes about once a week and make the excuse that you got sick. Sorry man, I am out of Scantrons but I will let you borrow the pencil that I am already writing with. So, here’s to you, Steve, go back to sleep.

Tough loss: Tardy Party- You know Daylight Savings time isn’t every day, right?

Honorary Life Member of Croakie Awards: Ultimate Georgia Warrior

"You think visors are cool?!"

The First Annual Croakie Awards (part 1)

Welcome to the first annual Croakie Awards! We are here to celebrate and reward the students of the University of Tennessee at Knoxville for who they are and what they mean to us. A Croakie Award will be given to a type of student on your campus you could probably find right next to you in your lecture class at this very moment. Today’s Croakie Awards are brought to you by the organization of union workers who sit behind the “Shame On You (insert UT official here)” signs.

So with no further adieu, this year’s Croakie Awards for “I’m so Xtreme I lost the first vowel” go to:

First place: Ultimate Sorority Girl – Your passion for Uggs and Nike shorts have single-handedly kept both of these companies in business. You score Pan Points just by waking up in the morning. You have perfected the art of the picture squat. And I thank you providing the world with countless numbers of Facebook event invites per week.

Second place: Die Hard UT Fan – Your blood is orange. Your backpack is orange. Your car is orange. Your plates and cups are orange. The backup quarterback is in your History lecture and you text your whole family to let them know about it. You were going to name your first born son “Knox” until Lane Kiffin beat you to it. Now you are going to name him “Lane.”

Honorable Mention: Bear Grylls Wannabe – You, my friend, have one rad sunglasses tan. Every article of clothing you wear is water repellent. I watched you redirect your walking path to class just so you could walk in the grass. You have a tattoo somewhere on your back that reads “Never Stop Exploring.”

Tough Loss: Superflex in the T-Recs. You spend more time looking at yourself in the wall mirror of the weight room than actually lifting the weight you just picked up and threw on the ground. You take your laptop into class just to use PhotoBooth to check to see how your hair looks under your flat-bill hat. You plan your day around weight lifting and MMA fights on television. You love UnderArmour.

Honorary Life Member of Croakie Awards: Alpha Cri Sorority Girl

"So many people do bad things, and she didn't mean to."

this first one is free.

I'm good at two things: making Chewbacca noises and wasting time. Both of which have to do with this blog. Thus, it has been created as another weapon of self-destruction.

You won't find my day-to-day here. You'll have to go through my diary for that. Good luck finding it in the back of my underwear drawer.

However, you have stumbled upon a treasure chest of you wasting time reading my wasted-time.

See ya tomorrow, stalker.